Searched for help on the internet again when I ran into trouble with my last story. I had pages and pages of nearly unbroken dialogue, which while tells the story, is kinda flat. Aside from inserting action bits in between, I was wondering how else I could make the dialogue read smoother. i.e. In more direct term, less stunted.
Important: What I want is smoother, more flowing, not more emotive or dramatic. That gets tiresome after a while. The problem with dialogue is when you try to add structure to it. He says “something” in one paragraph, she says “whatever” in the next. Then to break up the monotony and make it seem like there’s some up and downs going on, we rely on describing how she is feeling or how the words come out.
Using an extreme example I found online from TheWriterlyLife
This is bad:
“You broke my heart!” she screamed.
“It’s not my fault!” he growled.
“But you cheated on me!” she wailed.
“I’m sorry — it just happened,” he stammered.
This is better:
“You broke my heart!” she said.
“It’s not my fault!” he said.
“But you cheated on me!”
“I’m sorry — it just happened.”
And as TheWriterlylife explains:
The problem with this passage is that the tags start overshadowing the actual words being spoken. They’re completely unnecessary. They are often crutches in our writing; in reality, the words themselves should suggest the tone with which they are spoken. In fact, using “he said” and “she said” is so familiar to readers that the words blur into the background, retreating so that the main action of dialogue can come to the fore. That’s why it’s best to keep wordy dialogue tags to a minimum and just use “said” for most of your dialogue.
Often you try to describe what she is feeling. This is simply TELLING the reader instead of EXPRESSING it to him. I’m looking through some of my past writing and realised that I’m pretty guilty of it. I’ve read about it before, about how the simple “said” is actually more invisible and thus better than laughed, growled, snarled, chortled. One is a speech, one is an action, putting them side by side tends to draw the attention away from the other.
I’m going to be slightly more mindful of this moving ahead, which includes using the following in dialogue more often
- Better use of punctuation. Question, exclamation points and the infamous incomplete sentence like but… have to be used more correctly and to have more impact.
- Expressive Words Adopting the use of exclamation words or expressive words more (which I’m having some trouble with) like What the hell, damn you — Admit it, you automatically exclamation pointed the words without even thinking right?
- One action per dialogue Trying to let one single action at the start of a mini-conversation drive the emotion and action of 3-4 lines of to-and-fro dialogue.
One book I can recommend where this is used a lot is The Bookcase by Nelson DeMille. There’s a lot of interrogation scenes in it where it’s just 2 people going back and forth for quite a few pages. So basically, he had the same problem as me – crapload of dialogue, but he handled it like a best-selling author would and I didn’t.
Here’s a lengthy chunk from Nelson Demille’s The Book Case
“Good luck.” Every store clerk and waiter in this town wants you to know they’re really a writer, an actor, a musician, or an artist. Just in case you thought they were a clerk or a waiter. I asked Scott, “What time did you get here this morning?”
He replied, “As I told the other policeman, I got here about seven thirty.”
“Right. Why so early?”
“You’re scheduled for eight thirty.”
“Yeah…Mr. Parker asked me to get here early.”
“To stock shelves.”
“The shelves look stocked. When’s the last time you sold a book?”
“I had some paperwork to do.”
“Yeah? Okay, take me through it, Scott. You got here, opened the door—front door?”
“Yeah.” He reminded me, “It’s all in my statement.”
“Good. And what time was that?”
“I opened the door a little before seven thirty.”
“And it was locked?”
“Did you know that Mr. Parker was here?”
“No. Well, not at first. I noticed the lights were on in his office up in the loft, so I called up to him.”
“I assume he didn’t answer.”
“No…he…so I thought maybe he was in here—in the stockroom—so I came in here to get to work.”
This basically follows the principles I stated above. Doesn’t look half-bad at all without any crutched expressive words and it’s a very decent chunk. One benefit of this style is how flowing the dialogue goes. In your mind, you don’t really stop to think until the end of the conversation.
P.S: I’m currently reading Bag Of Bones by Stephen King as well, realised the conversation pieces are written pretty much the same way. So remember, let your words do the expressing and flush the telling expressions down the toilet.
P.S: As to what happened to my dialogue in my story as mentioned at the start of the article. After cutting out all the saids, chides, rebukes, angrily and hesitations, I think i shaved off close to 500 words without losing any intent.
Until next time…
Related articles (In case you want to explore more about dialogue, the WarriorWriters one is my fave)
- Les Edgerton Shows How to Write Amazing Dialogue – Part 1 (warriorwriters.wordpress.com)
- Writing dialogue: the accepted way of talking to yourself. (tismond.wordpress.com)
- Dialogue, glorious dialogue – Instalment 3 of the Dialogue mini series (ofglassandbooks.wordpress.com)